I am all alone sitting in the drawing room, hooked on to my laptop since afternoon, on for some serious search on the internet. With just a tea and a dinner break since 3 PM, my Sunday would not have been utilized better, I wonder. Perhaps lazying around and intellectual stimulation are one of my favourite pastimes.
I am sitting and the world around me is moving at its own pace. I can clearly hear the thunder sounds and the constant barking of the dogs in the street. I too somehow love the smell of the mud and the moisture in the air, when it rains. I have this peculiar thing towards smells, I am very sensitive towards them and also can easily identify and sometimes get addicted to them!
After so many years, while writing this I have suddenly started recollecting the memories from my childhood, singing and dancing on my house’s rooftop, under the jet black sky just like a peacock must be doing right now.
I was a very forlorn child who liked being all by herself and observing the creations of Mother Nature and longing for more. I wish life was not this busy now and I could get into that mode again. Sigh.
The song from that Shahrukh Khan movie which I was singing that day, I still remember. More so, because I lived that wonderful moment, so much so that maybe it would be one of those memories which one remembers while your life movie is running across your eyes when you are breathing last.
My mind is telling me to sleep now, as it’s already one in the morning and tomorrow’s a working day. But I somehow do not want to sleep as that feeling of emptiness, the void between today and my childhood is disturbing me. I remember how I used to freely immerse myself and write everything I wanted to without caring for the time, even in the preparatory leaves for exams!
Perhaps I have lost that connection with my inner self, that self which used to provoke me to write anything and everything which I felt at that moment and feel so much better because I knew I had expressed myself. That connection with my true self is lost now, I feel abandoned.
What’s so special in this night which is trying to connect me to my inner self again, which i thought was lost forever? Why do I feel so uncomfortable thinking that I wasted so many years of my life without expressing myself? As if all the feelings have piled up within me and have been trying to come out all the time, but due to my negligence and inability to understand what was required I had been hiding all this within me.
All these years I was thinking that I don’t have time for all this anymore, but today I realize that this was what I was missing and this was what connected me to myself! I feel thankful to the superior power tonight for reminding me what I had been missing all these years; I am scared on the other hand. Scared to again losing my true self in my busy life when I wake up this morning.
I know I cannot get back all these years which I have spent without expressing myself, and let my feelings flow in tears instead. But what best I can do for myself is take out time, however busy I think I am, for expressing myself, because I have identified and understood that this is what connects me to myself!